Playing Jumprope with the line between naivety and skepticism

My mum told me sometime this year that when I was in pry 1, my friend group was exclusive and full of only elites who could speak English. She was so proud about it, lol. Said even my teachers were aware of my English-speaking criterion when choosing my friends. This is funny because it’s definitely not how I remember that story.

When I was 4, we moved to Onitsha because my dad had some business to take care of. In the school I was enrolled in, most of the children spoke Igbo and I didn’t know shit in Igbo then. I think this is even how I developed social anxiety, lol. I felt like an outsider because I could neither understand most of them nor they, me. So I stayed on my own for a bit, couldn’t even join in conversations because what did I know they were talking about? Eventually, I found people who understood English and could speak it to comprehensive degrees and that’s how I got my first friends there. In my head, I was relieved as hell that I didn’t have to be alone anymore. But apparently, other children and teachers were seeing it as exclusivity. “If you can’t speak English, you can’t be Chizoba’s friend.” Some of them hated me, some stayed away from me, others scrambled to learn English. I did not send anybody, I just didn’t want to be so lonely(not like that worked out much because we came back to Lagos soon after, but I digress).

It’s like the world has this default setting of thinking the worst of people. God said we shouldn’t judge, so we won’t be judged but some of y’all can’t even go a day without judging someone else. It’s quite unfortunate. Obama had an interview where he said and I quote, “The way of me making change is to be as judgmental as possible about other people. Like, if I tweet or a hashtag about how you didn’t do something right or used the wrong verb, then I can sit back and feel pretty good about myself. ‘Man you see how woke I was, I called you out‘.” The log in your eye is sitting bricks while you’re trying to remove the speck in another’s. I’ve never and will never understand people that get their self validation from seeing the faults in others.

I’ll always say it, a first impression doesn’t mean much to me. You could meet a great person for the first time on a day something bad happened and put them in an irritated mood, you could also meet a ‘not so great’ person for the first time on a day something good happened that put them in a good mood, you could meet a person who’s shy and think they’re being snobbish, etc. This why some friendships start with “I thought you were a bitch when I first met you.” Learn to give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be naive, but know when to draw the line on judgement.

The way we view people affect their behaviour too. Ever had someone tell you, “You make me want to be better”? J Cole said, “I guess the light I see in you is what you see in me.” I think it’s a kind of reinforcement psychology. If you point out the good in someone, they tend to want to manifest more. And if you point out the bad everytime, that’s exactly what you’ll get. That’s why we need to be careful how we view people especially children because in a way, you could affect their behaviour towards you or even generally. Tyrion Lannister told Jon Snow to accept and wear his imperfections like armour so no one would be able to use them against him. It’s a defence mechanism that probably isn’t good in the long run, but is definitely effective at the time. I would know.

When you meet people, be optimistic. Be hopeful. Give your friends or significant other second chances(unless he/she cheats. Cut that mf off). I’m not saying you should be naive please. If a person keeps showing you that they shouldn’t be in your life, after giving them chances to redeem themselves and you choose to continue taking it because optimism or love or ‘Danielle said so’, you’re on your own, love. Even I have little patience for people and I’m still on a self development journey to correct that . However, you’re an adult now, you can draw the line between naivety and skepticism. Selah